Final Thougts on I Am America (And So Can You!)

-- by Miranda

Yeah, I probably could have thrown this at the end of my last post about IAA (ASCY!), but who knows if anyone is actually reading all the posts. But anyway, my final thoughts.

In the beginning I was worried that the style of writing would get old, but it never did. It was very funny and even subtle in some places ('The Stephen T. Colbert Award For The Literary Excelence'? Hee).

Bottom line: If you like The Colbert Report, you'll like the book.

I Am America (And So Can You!) - Chapter 10 through the end

-- by Miranda

I kind of feel like the write-ups for each chapter are getting a little repetitive, so just go ahead and assume that ever chapter is very very funny (which is true), and just read the quotes below for a little taste. So, without further ado, here's Part Three: My American Maturity (chapters 10-14) and everything after that.

CHAPTER 10 - THE MEDIA

"CSPAN's liberal bias is severely underestimated. With its unvarnished gavel-to-gavel coverage of our elected leaders, CSPAN glamorizes big government by showing not only how it works, but that it sometimes does work. CSPAN 2 may be just as dangerous, but has never been watched."
- pg. 154

Bonus: An imagined Cosmo headline: "29 Ways To Make Your Man Renounce God: Make Him Go From Amen to Oh, Baby!"

CHAPTER 11 - CLASS WAR

"Now, I'm not the smartest knife in the spoon, so explain this to me. We're supposed to help folks out of poverty by giving them a financial reward for being poor? Doesn't add up. If being poor is a never-ending money party, where's the incentive to get rich?"
-pg. 165

CHAPTER 12 - RACE

"Some people seem to think racism still exists. These people are racists."
-pg. 174

CHAPTER 13 - IMMIGRANTS

"America is not a land of immigrants. There. Was that so hard to say? It makes sense if you think about it. It feels like we've been here forever, doesn't it? Let's just assume that we have been. How does it feel to smash the shackles of our past? It tastes like freedom."
-pg. 182

Fun Fact: The picture of Stephen at the begining of this chapter is the same as at the begining of the Homosexuals chapter: Stephen, smiling big, has his arms outstretched. With a big ol' mustache.

CHAPTER 14 - SCIENCE

"Physics: Some say this science is fundamental; I say it's a bunch of unnecessary regulations. Physics is the ultimate Big Government interference -- universal laws meant to constrain us at every turn. No staying in motion if acted on by a net force. NO thermodynamic systems without entropy. Hey, is it wrong that I sometimes want to act without having to deal with an equal and opposite reaction?"
-pg. 201

A NOTE TO THE FUTURE

"Obviously, I can't know what will happen in the future, but just because something is unknowable, that doesn't mean I don't have some strong opinions about it."
-pg. 209

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?

"In fact, however carefully you've just read this book, there are sure to be lessons within it that you've yet to fully comprehend. That's why you should buy a fresh copy and read it again. The smell and feel of a new book is part of the lesson."
-pg. 214

Another round of applause for WPL patrons: All the "Stephen T. Colbert Award for the Literary Excellence" stickers are still there.

THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER

"Then, George W. Bush arrived. He made a beeline for me, in that, like a bee, he went all around the room and then came up to me last. "Pleased to meet you, ColberT."
-pg. 219

I Am America (And So Can You!) - Chapters 5 through 9

-- by Miranda

Chapters 5-9 make up Part Two of I am America, "My American Adolescence." Part Two begins with a story that includes the five big Ss of Adolescence: "School, Sports, Sex, Sodomy, and the Silver Screen."

CHAPTER 5 - SPORTS/CHEVRON "THE GAS WITH TECHRON" SPORTS CHAPTER/BLOCKBUSTER "NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHOOSE" SPORTS CHAPTER/THE KRAFT SEVEN SEAS CREAMY ITALIAN SPORTS CHAPTER

"Now, generaly speaking, I'm not a big fan of sports. It's a waste of both
testosterone and blind, fervent allegiance, both of which would be better
directed towards our military."
-pg. 71

This chapter includes such brilliance as "The Abstinence Bases" (1st base is polite chatter, 2nd is eye contact) and a list of which sports to pay attention to and which to ignore. Stephen's thoughts on Synchronized Swimming (a sport to ignore): "I defy you to watch this sport and tell me the olympics have no hidden gay agenda." Also this chapter is sponsored by several large companies, hence the rather long chapter title.

CHAPTER 6 - SEX AND DATING

"Treat sex like alcohol. Whether you sip it or chug it or have a destructive
chemical dependency on it, make sure you're in control. When you bring that
frosty can of sex to your lips, you'd better be the one calling the
shots."
-pg. 90

So far this was the hardest chapter from which to pick a quote. It's not that it's not as funny as the other chapters, it's just that a lot of the quotes were too long for my lazy ass to type up. This chapter is incredibly funny. An abstinence pledge, a continuum of sexual morality ("gay stuff" being at the bad end, "missionary postition, followed by a firm handshake" being at the good end), and dating advice for men and women. One piece of advice for the ladies? Show some cleavage. I couldn't agree more.

CHAPTER 7 – HOMOSEXUALS

"Nowhere does God say he wants pairs of men to be fruitful and multilpy. If
that's what He'd wanted, He would have given gay men ovaries and breasts and
luscious lips. But [H]e only gave them the luscious lips."
- pg. 112

I love the gays. This chapter is hilarious, but I'm suprised that on the list of "Things that are trying to turn me gay and their success on a scale of one to ten," Clive Owen only rates an 8. Clive Owen is hott (two Ts!), ask anyone. I guess I should point out that Clive has the second highest ranking on the list, after baby carrots, which score 11.

CHAPTER 8 - HIGHER EDUCATION

"Look no further than the example of Ted Kaczynski, a.k.a. the Unabomber. He
skipped sixth grade, got a Bachelor's from Harvard followed by a Master's and a
Ph.D., and then embarked on a distinguished academic career of blowing people
up. Most Ph.D. biographies have similar endings."
-pg. 119

Again, lots of funny here. I know, it's getting repetitive. But it's a great chapter describing exactly why higher education is the greatest threat facing America today, after flag burning, yoga, and vaccination.

CHAPTER 9 – HOLLYWOOD

"I don't understand movies today. They romanticize the liberal lifestyle, cram
gays into our living rooms, and make children believe it's safe to spend time
with Robin Williams."
- 131

I hear ya on that last one. Some of my favorite parts of this chapter are Stephen's description of the Hay's Code ('It was created to curb the corrupting influence of movies like The Bathing Kuties of '28 and Gangbang Dames of '29) and the Cultural Corrosiveness PH Scale, which gives Abstinence and Holy Water PHs of 13 and 14 respectively. Yep, completely alkaline. I remember enough from sophmore Chem to know that an alkaline substance isn't safer than an acidic substance.

Check back later for the final I Am America entry.

I Am America (And So Can You!) - Introduction through Chapter 4

-- by Miranda

Here I am continuing to make up my own rules for this here UBC by picking a book from the library rather than a book I actually own or am borrowing from a friend. I don't know if anyone has read this book, but I know that everyone here should at least be interested in it. Because it's Stephen Colbert, and he's awesome. I decided to semi-adopt Abby's style of chapter-by-chapter posting. I'll post a brief blip about each chapter, but I won't give each chapter it's own post. I'll just post when I feel like it, every five chapters or so. And, coincidentally, Chapters 1-4 make up part one, "My American Childhood." There are no spoilers below, unless you have a really sensitive spoiler-nerve.

INTRODUCTION

"People who borrow this book are not Heroes. They are no better then [sic]
welfare queens mooching off the system like card-carrying library card-carriers.
For the record, we're not offering this book to libraries. No free rides."

-pg. viii

Well, I checked this bad-boy out from my favorite public library/place of employment, but I see Stephen's point. I am a free-ride getting card-carrying library card-carrier. I mooch, you know this about me. Anyway, the introduction gets you used to the style of the book, which is pretty similar to the style of the Colbert Report. On more than one occasion the margin notes and footnotes reminded me of The Word. Just after the Introduction are instructions on "How to read this book." Some of these should be taken to heart as "how to read any book." Never use to right a wobbly table, never dog-ear pages, no highlighting, ect.

CHAPTER 1 - THE FAMILY

"Children are tiny versions of you, minus the crushing failure.
If you're not going to live your unrealized dreams through your kids, WHEN WILL
YOU?"

- pg. 12

The Family was my favorite chapter so far. It starts out by clearly defining the duties of the mother and father, then continues to explain extended family members, including Pro/Con lists (Pro for Grandparents: "Unlike your parents, they have no issue with buying your love."). The chapter even includes an incredibly useful, all-purpose family counseling script.

CHAPTER 2 - OLD PEOPLE

"No disrespect, but old people are useless to me. So, this
chapter is now re-directed at all of you not-yet-seniors. Plus: Since seniors can't read this, I can say whatever I want about them. They look like lizards."

- pg. 22

That pretty much sums it up.

I just want to take a moment to applaud the WPL patrons: This chapter has a page of stickers, and none of the stickers are missing. These people know how to respect a library book.

CHAPTER 3 - ANIMALS

"To put it simply, certain animals are endangered because God is
pissed off at them. If you try to save an endangered animal, you are going
against God's will -- and the Man knows how to hold a grudge."

- pg. 40

Very funny chapter. Really, it's full of brilliance, like an entry from a cow that wants to be reincarnated as a human so she can try steak to "know what all the fuss is about." Also, a table of endangered animals and why they are unloved by God.

CHAPTER 4 - RELIGION

"Creation: 'In the beginning, God created the
heaven and the earth.' Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it's not 'In the beginning, a
monkey evolutioned gay marriage."

- pg. 57

This is another brilliant beyond brilliant chapter that includes why all religions besides Roman Catholic are rediculous and all you need to know about the Bible.