Chapters 5-9 make up Part Two of I am America, "My American Adolescence." Part Two begins with a story that includes the five big Ss of Adolescence: "School, Sports, Sex, Sodomy, and the Silver Screen."
CHAPTER 5 - SPORTS/CHEVRON "THE GAS WITH TECHRON" SPORTS CHAPTER/BLOCKBUSTER "NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHOOSE" SPORTS CHAPTER/THE KRAFT SEVEN SEAS CREAMY ITALIAN SPORTS CHAPTER
"Now, generaly speaking, I'm not a big fan of sports. It's a waste of both
testosterone and blind, fervent allegiance, both of which would be better
directed towards our military."
This chapter includes such brilliance as "The Abstinence Bases" (1st base is polite chatter, 2nd is eye contact) and a list of which sports to pay attention to and which to ignore. Stephen's thoughts on Synchronized Swimming (a sport to ignore): "I defy you to watch this sport and tell me the olympics have no hidden gay agenda." Also this chapter is sponsored by several large companies, hence the rather long chapter title.
CHAPTER 6 - SEX AND DATING
"Treat sex like alcohol. Whether you sip it or chug it or have a destructive
chemical dependency on it, make sure you're in control. When you bring that
frosty can of sex to your lips, you'd better be the one calling the
So far this was the hardest chapter from which to pick a quote. It's not that it's not as funny as the other chapters, it's just that a lot of the quotes were too long for my lazy ass to type up. This chapter is incredibly funny. An abstinence pledge, a continuum of sexual morality ("gay stuff" being at the bad end, "missionary postition, followed by a firm handshake" being at the good end), and dating advice for men and women. One piece of advice for the ladies? Show some cleavage. I couldn't agree more.
CHAPTER 7 – HOMOSEXUALS
"Nowhere does God say he wants pairs of men to be fruitful and multilpy. If
that's what He'd wanted, He would have given gay men ovaries and breasts and
luscious lips. But [H]e only gave them the luscious lips."
- pg. 112
I love the gays. This chapter is hilarious, but I'm suprised that on the list of "Things that are trying to turn me gay and their success on a scale of one to ten," Clive Owen only rates an 8. Clive Owen is hott (two Ts!), ask anyone. I guess I should point out that Clive has the second highest ranking on the list, after baby carrots, which score 11.
CHAPTER 8 - HIGHER EDUCATION
"Look no further than the example of Ted Kaczynski, a.k.a. the Unabomber. He
skipped sixth grade, got a Bachelor's from Harvard followed by a Master's and a
Ph.D., and then embarked on a distinguished academic career of blowing people
up. Most Ph.D. biographies have similar endings."
Again, lots of funny here. I know, it's getting repetitive. But it's a great chapter describing exactly why higher education is the greatest threat facing America today, after flag burning, yoga, and vaccination.
CHAPTER 9 – HOLLYWOOD
"I don't understand movies today. They romanticize the liberal lifestyle, cram
gays into our living rooms, and make children believe it's safe to spend time
with Robin Williams."
I hear ya on that last one. Some of my favorite parts of this chapter are Stephen's description of the Hay's Code ('It was created to curb the corrupting influence of movies like The Bathing Kuties of '28 and Gangbang Dames of '29) and the Cultural Corrosiveness PH Scale, which gives Abstinence and Holy Water PHs of 13 and 14 respectively. Yep, completely alkaline. I remember enough from sophmore Chem to know that an alkaline substance isn't safer than an acidic substance.
Check back later for the final I Am America entry.