-- by Miranda
I kind of feel like the write-ups for each chapter are getting a little repetitive, so just go ahead and assume that ever chapter is very very funny (which is true), and just read the quotes below for a little taste. So, without further ado, here's Part Three: My American Maturity (chapters 10-14) and everything after that.
CHAPTER 10 - THE MEDIA
"CSPAN's liberal bias is severely underestimated. With its unvarnished gavel-to-gavel coverage of our elected leaders, CSPAN glamorizes big government by showing not only how it works, but that it sometimes does work. CSPAN 2 may be just as dangerous, but has never been watched."
- pg. 154
Bonus: An imagined Cosmo headline: "29 Ways To Make Your Man Renounce God: Make Him Go From Amen to Oh, Baby!"
CHAPTER 11 - CLASS WAR
"Now, I'm not the smartest knife in the spoon, so explain this to me. We're supposed to help folks out of poverty by giving them a financial reward for being poor? Doesn't add up. If being poor is a never-ending money party, where's the incentive to get rich?"
CHAPTER 12 - RACE
"Some people seem to think racism still exists. These people are racists."
CHAPTER 13 - IMMIGRANTS
"America is not a land of immigrants. There. Was that so hard to say? It makes sense if you think about it. It feels like we've been here forever, doesn't it? Let's just assume that we have been. How does it feel to smash the shackles of our past? It tastes like freedom."
Fun Fact: The picture of Stephen at the begining of this chapter is the same as at the begining of the Homosexuals chapter: Stephen, smiling big, has his arms outstretched. With a big ol' mustache.
CHAPTER 14 - SCIENCE
"Physics: Some say this science is fundamental; I say it's a bunch of unnecessary regulations. Physics is the ultimate Big Government interference -- universal laws meant to constrain us at every turn. No staying in motion if acted on by a net force. NO thermodynamic systems without entropy. Hey, is it wrong that I sometimes want to act without having to deal with an equal and opposite reaction?"
A NOTE TO THE FUTURE
"Obviously, I can't know what will happen in the future, but just because something is unknowable, that doesn't mean I don't have some strong opinions about it."
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?
"In fact, however carefully you've just read this book, there are sure to be lessons within it that you've yet to fully comprehend. That's why you should buy a fresh copy and read it again. The smell and feel of a new book is part of the lesson."
Another round of applause for WPL patrons: All the "Stephen T. Colbert Award for the Literary Excellence" stickers are still there.
THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER
"Then, George W. Bush arrived. He made a beeline for me, in that, like a bee, he went all around the room and then came up to me last. "Pleased to meet you, ColberT."