I Am America (And So Can You!) - Introduction through Chapter 4

-- by Miranda

Here I am continuing to make up my own rules for this here UBC by picking a book from the library rather than a book I actually own or am borrowing from a friend. I don't know if anyone has read this book, but I know that everyone here should at least be interested in it. Because it's Stephen Colbert, and he's awesome. I decided to semi-adopt Abby's style of chapter-by-chapter posting. I'll post a brief blip about each chapter, but I won't give each chapter it's own post. I'll just post when I feel like it, every five chapters or so. And, coincidentally, Chapters 1-4 make up part one, "My American Childhood." There are no spoilers below, unless you have a really sensitive spoiler-nerve.

INTRODUCTION

"People who borrow this book are not Heroes. They are no better then [sic]
welfare queens mooching off the system like card-carrying library card-carriers.
For the record, we're not offering this book to libraries. No free rides."

-pg. viii

Well, I checked this bad-boy out from my favorite public library/place of employment, but I see Stephen's point. I am a free-ride getting card-carrying library card-carrier. I mooch, you know this about me. Anyway, the introduction gets you used to the style of the book, which is pretty similar to the style of the Colbert Report. On more than one occasion the margin notes and footnotes reminded me of The Word. Just after the Introduction are instructions on "How to read this book." Some of these should be taken to heart as "how to read any book." Never use to right a wobbly table, never dog-ear pages, no highlighting, ect.

CHAPTER 1 - THE FAMILY

"Children are tiny versions of you, minus the crushing failure.
If you're not going to live your unrealized dreams through your kids, WHEN WILL
YOU?"

- pg. 12

The Family was my favorite chapter so far. It starts out by clearly defining the duties of the mother and father, then continues to explain extended family members, including Pro/Con lists (Pro for Grandparents: "Unlike your parents, they have no issue with buying your love."). The chapter even includes an incredibly useful, all-purpose family counseling script.

CHAPTER 2 - OLD PEOPLE

"No disrespect, but old people are useless to me. So, this
chapter is now re-directed at all of you not-yet-seniors. Plus: Since seniors can't read this, I can say whatever I want about them. They look like lizards."

- pg. 22

That pretty much sums it up.

I just want to take a moment to applaud the WPL patrons: This chapter has a page of stickers, and none of the stickers are missing. These people know how to respect a library book.

CHAPTER 3 - ANIMALS

"To put it simply, certain animals are endangered because God is
pissed off at them. If you try to save an endangered animal, you are going
against God's will -- and the Man knows how to hold a grudge."

- pg. 40

Very funny chapter. Really, it's full of brilliance, like an entry from a cow that wants to be reincarnated as a human so she can try steak to "know what all the fuss is about." Also, a table of endangered animals and why they are unloved by God.

CHAPTER 4 - RELIGION

"Creation: 'In the beginning, God created the
heaven and the earth.' Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it's not 'In the beginning, a
monkey evolutioned gay marriage."

- pg. 57

This is another brilliant beyond brilliant chapter that includes why all religions besides Roman Catholic are rediculous and all you need to know about the Bible.